Hysterical Headlines (Funny or Absurd) for January 4th:
Bottom Line: These are your daily doses of nonsense from the (often GSS) media and my hot takes...
Derek Jeter business plan projects big profits and spike in Marlins attendance - Miami Herald:
Excerpt: Marlins CEO Derek Jeter, who has slashed about $36 million in player payroll in recent weeks, in August circulated a document to potential investors that projects the Marlins will make an enormous profit in 2018 and sizable profits the following three years. According to a source, even though the National League announced the Marlins’ attendance at 1.6 million last season, only 820,000 were paid tickets. Wolverine projects the paid figures to rise to 1.1 million, 1.2 million, 1.35 million, 1.5 million and 1.65 million over the next five seasons.
Hot Take: To date the only reason the new ownership group hasn't already been run out of South Florida is because it's CEO is Derek Jeter. Even MLB's commissioner has expressed displeasure with what's happened since a crew that's managed to make Jeffrey Loria look halfway decent has arrived on the scene. But these new leaked details are as laughable as they are absurd. First, we find out that potentially half of the folks who attended Marlins games, or at least had tickets, didn't pay for them. Then we hear that Jeter's attempting to suggest that they'll be a 34% increase in attendance next year (let alone a greater than 100% increase in five years)?
The Marlins were a bad team that's sold off three all-stars and might do more before the season starts. The only way the Marlins would see a 34% increase in attendance next year is if Jeter came out of retirement and promised to play a different position everyday while signing autographs until everyone in the stadium who wants one has one. And even then, I'm still taking the under. This isn't the best news for obvious reasons if you're a Marlins fan or simply don't want to see taxpayers who were screwed into paying for Marlins Park being hosed even more than they've already been. If the news behind the scenes is potentially worse than what we publicly know...Yikes.
How Democrats Can Win Across America in 2018 Maslin & Trippi, USA Today
Excerpt: When the Sheraton hotel ballroom in Birmingham erupted on the night of Dec. 12 with the news that Democrat Doug Jones had upset Republican Roy Moore and won the Alabama special election for the U.S. Senate, tears of joy were falling not just there but all over America and indeed the world. Coming just 13 months after the stunning presidential election of Donald Trump and weeks after a Democratic wave in Virginia, this was definitive confirmation that at this moment, in the most conservative of states, America had woken up and decided to pursue a different path.
Hot Take: Tears of joy across America and the world? I've heard a lot of BS in my time by this dose is extra spicy. And quick question, do you think we'd need one or two hands to count the number of tears shed in joy outside of the United States? In fact, what do you think the odds are that most foreigners can even locate Alabama on a map? Btw, a 2014 Movoto study showed that only 50% of Americans can even find Alabama on a map (but then again I guess that means there's at least that good of a chance given that our public education system is about the worst in the developed world). I digressed.
Ok, so suddenly Alabama speaks for the United States? The same Alabama that voted for Donald Trump 62% to 34%? It's almost as though the 1.7% win for Doug Jones happened because his challenger was perceived to be a child molester. Oh, wait he was. So, is that the road map for Democrats in 2018? Recruit Republican candidates perceived as child molesters to run against? I'll admit that's a winning strategy if you can make it stick. If by chance Democrats don't take back the House and Senate this election cycle I wonder how many tears will be shed in Uzbekistan?
Trump Goes Nuclear on Bannon Allahpundit, Hot Air
Hot Take: Who has the biggest button?
Until tomorrow...